


Lapis Finds the Human Purpose

by Calicornia



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-02
Updated: 2016-07-11
Packaged: 2018-07-19 13:34:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7363318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Calicornia/pseuds/Calicornia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lapis Lazuli finally decides to ask Peridot about the Human World</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It was a boiling, corrosive summer day. Beach city was melting against the slab of Earth it happened to lie on. The humans populating the area had either retreated to the ocean or huddled against a fan or other cooling device. The gems, however, felt unaffected, as their bodies are made of light particles. Lapis Lazuli enjoyed this day the least, as humans saw her as a glorified sprinkler. As she left the Big Doughnut, a strange, curly haired man who was known as the village fool dressed like Guy Fieri cornered her.

"PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEE." The man passionately screamed, "I NEEEEEEEEEED WATER........" Lapis rolled her eyes and lifted up her hand, shooting a geyser into the air. The man flew into the temple's right hand. Lapis, despite her success at eliminating the man, was still bored of this human world. Lapis's wings manifested and she flew to the barn where she reluctantly shared a room with an annoyance by the name of Peridot. Lapis went over every possible thing Peridot could attempt to force her to care about in her head. Camp Pining Hearts, her strange underwear, music, etc. Lapis wanted to experience life intuitively, not through an immature booger goblin like Peridot. Still, Peridot was trying to understand Lapis, so Lapis thought she, for once, should do the same. Lapis's feet softly touched the ground and her wings retracted. She took in a deep breath and started approaching the barn entrance, expecting her roommate to burst out of nowhere. However, the small booger goblin was nowhere to be seen.

"Peridoooooot..." Lapis said in a raised voice, "I brought you some, uh, I think they're called.... Doo-nuts..." She scanned her surroundings and saw a green lump huddled over a mechanical contraption of some kind. For once, Lapis was legitimately curious, not out or pity or tolerance like she normally was. She walked towards Peridot. "Peridot... I have food."

"GYAH! LAPIS!" the smaller gem jumped upon hearing her roommate speak, "Lapis, you scared me!"

"You do it to me all the time." Lapis said in a monotonous voice. "Anyways, what the fuck are you doing?"

"Oh, this." Peridot chuckled and revealed a laptop, "It's the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life." Peridot shoved the laptop in Lapis' face. Lapis squinted and saw two humans and a yellow hominoid on the screen, completely naked and very afraid.

"Peridot," Lapis glanced between the image on the screen, "Peridot what is this..?"

"HUMAN REPRODUCTION," Peridot stood up and put her hands on her sides, "Yeah, the male one puts his third leg in the female one's flesh cavern. He then pees on her and a Steven comes out!" Lapis paid more attention to the yellow hominoid.

"Yeah but, Peridot, who's that?" Lapis pointed to the figure on the screen.

"Homer Simpson!" Peridot let out a grating yell, "He's GOT to be there or else babies can't be born!"

"What?" Lapis giggled, "You mean he has to go to every human that wants a baby?"

"YES! His blessing is VERY VERY RARE THOUGH!" Peridot furiously typed on her laptop and went to Homerhub.com,  "Luckily, it's all documented here!"

"How... Does that work?"

"I don't know," Peridot shrugged her shoulders. and pressed her hand to her chin, "OOOH! OOH! LET'S ASK GREG!" Peridot grabbed the iPhone Steven gave her and dialed Greg's number while Lapis looked harder at the screen. The man in the video was the village fool, and Lapis felt a metaphorical pit form in her stomach.

"Peridot." Lapis said quietly, not actually wanting to distract her friend from her more important phone call, "I-I killed him."

"Shhhhh Lapis, I just got ahold of Greg!" Peridot put the phone to her ear, "HEY GREG, LAPIS AND I HAVE A QUESTION!" She twirled a strand of hair with her finger, "Yeah, yeah, no. It's about human reproduction. Lemme put you on speaker." Peridot tapped the screen of the iPhone.

"Yeah.... Lapis..." Greg's voice came out of the electronic rectangle, "I'll have to tell you that in person. It'll, uh, be less awkward for all of us!"

"Yeah! Let's go!" Peridot yelled, while Lapis remained silent. "See you Greg!"

"Bye Peridot, Goodbye Lapis!"

"Bye Greg." Lapis said as Peridot tapped the screen again.

"Alright Lazuli," Peridot yelled, "Lemme see those wings!" Lapis released her wings, but then looked at the untouched box on the floor.

"Are you sure you don't want a donut?" Lapis turned her head towards Peridot.

"OOOOOH yeah! Right!" Peridot grabbed the box, "These'll come in handy later!" Lapis put her arms around Peridot and flew off.

* * *

 

The pair arrived at Greg's carwash at high noon, which meant they had to be leery of any cowboys in the area. Peridot strutted over to Greg's Van and knocked.

"We're here Greg!" Peridot yelled, "Open up!" yet there was no answer. A clamoring was heard inside the van. "GREG OPEN THE DOOR YOU FUCKBOY!" Peridot knocked harder this time, and the door swung open. Peridot fell to the ground with a heavy thud. "OOOOOW!"

"Oh sorry Peridot, I didn't mean to hurt you!" Greg looked towards Lapis, "Hi Lapis, you look lovely today."

"Thank you Greg." Lapis said as she helped up the small booger goblin, "Anyways, you have some information about this reproduction thing, right?"

"Yes..." Greg let out a heavy sigh, "Sit down, it's a long story." Peridot crawled into the back of the van and sat with her legs between her arms. Lapis just sat on the edge.

"Would you like some doughnuts, Greg?" Lapis asked, "They're about an hour old."

"N-no! So... When a man loves a woman, they may decide to have a baby!"

"Can only one man and one woman have a baby?" Peridot exclaimed,"Can women love eachother? Is this what you and Rose did?"

"Of course women can love eachother, so can men!" Greg looked to the side, "Maybe I phrased my initial response wrong. Anyways what happens when two people want to have a baby.... They get together and a man takes his hot dog, and puts it in her doughnut!" Greg pointed to the box. Lapis however, noticed he was leaving out a key element.

"Who is the yellow hominoid?" Lapis asked, "I need to know."

"Wh-what?" Greg started sweating as Lapis pulled up a picture of Homer Simpson on Peridot's iPhone.

"Who is he?" Lapis stared at Greg, who gulped.

"That's... That's Homer." Greg looked down at the donuts, "He, uh, he's there for the f-f-fun!" Greg lunged at the doughnuts and started devouring them. He laughed maniacally as he jammed them down his throat.

Lapis grabbed Peridot and ran out of the van, turning towards the hunkering beast that is Homer Simpson. Homer looked down at the two gems below him, a feast for a king.

"HOMER SIMPSON, WE MEET AGAIN!" A javelin sliced the beast's face, releasing a stream of doughnuts. The beast turned his head towards the direction the javelin came from and was hit with another one. Pearl appeared infront of the duo, "I thought we sealed him away in the temple."

"WHAT!" Peridot yelled, "WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS PEARL!"

"Homer Simpson is the corrupted gem version of Steven's father, originally under yellow diamond's court." Pearl's head did the anime tilt, "He clones himself by invading high quality pornography."

"Steven is... a full gem?" Lapis asked, but there was no time, Homer did shadow clone jutsu. There were a thousand Homers, all naruto running to the temple.

"He's going to take Steven back to Homeworld!" Pearl screeched as, she too, naruto ran to the temple.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Lapis was riddled with confusion. Steven is a full gem? Why did he lie to her? Or does he not know? Either way, by the way Peridot had been screaming for exactly two and a half minutes, she knew they had to do something.

"PERIDOT!" Lapis yelled, "YOU FUCKER WE GOTTA HELP STEVEN!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" (That's Peridot Screaming) Lapis rolled her eyes, she'd have to do this herself. She erected her wings and flew towards the temple. Lapis glanced below to see the hoard of Homers, all colliding with the temple, Peal close behind. The Pinocchio Gem pulled out her sword.

"Ryūjin no ken wo kurae!" Pearl yelled as she slashed the Homer hoard in two. A lone Homer flew towards Lapis, who had a narrow time frame of dodging him, and smacked against the Temple's highest right hand. Lapis flew down to Pearl, who was kicking a Homer who was trying to bite her.

"Why!?" Lapis yelled over the chorus of D'ohs, "Why are they doing this!"

"They want to take Steven back to Homeworld!" Pearl yelled, "and prevent him from ending the horrors he has caused to humanity!" She kicked the Homer, who knocked down a bunch of other Homers.

"What?"

"ALL FULL, ORGANIC HUMANS SERVE ONE PURPOSE!" Pearl swung her sword and Homer #76 went into Orbit. "AND THAT'S TO FUCK WHILE HOMER SIMPSON WATCHES!"

"How's that a bad thing Pearl?" Lapis asked, who had no idea how bad the idea of having sex with Homer Simpson in the room would be.

"IT'S VILE, PUTRID, AND DISGUSTING!" Pearl bitch slapped a Homer, and Lapis realized she could just like, pull in a wave and kill them. Lapis raised her arms and swung them to the left, wiping out the Homer population. Pearl coughed. "Why didn't you just do that two minutes ago?"

"Idk."

"Anyways, Steven can stop this with a simple phrase," Pearl announced, "That is: Dad, what the fuck? But Steven... Steven refuses to cuss. Like ever."

"Not even 'damn'?"

"Not even damn." Pearl breathed in, "Anyways, if he becomes too powerful, he will take over the world and end the Crystal Gems. We must act soon." A loud rumbling came from the ocean. It was him, Homer Motherfucking Simpson. "GO! GO NOW, GO AND WARN THE OTHERS!"

"Pearl..."

"GOOOOOO!" Pearl screamed as Lapis flew into the beach bungalow. Instantly, she was greeted with Amethyst half naked making some pancakes.

"Yo Lapis," Amethyst said as she flipped a well done pancake, "want some?"

"AMETHYST, HOMER SIMPSON IS OUTSIDE AND IS DESTROYING BEACH CITY!" Lapis yellled, "WE NEED TO PROTECT STEVEN."

"Homer Simpson?" Amethyst chuckled, "Oh he's not out for Steven, he's out for us." Amethyst shoved a now done pancake down her mouth. "He's harmless as long as he's got porn to invade. Every month or so we have to divide him and shit so he doesn't take over the world."

"What?" Lapis asked, "What's Pearl so worried about then?"

"Oh, she's just a pushover like always." Amethyst sat down, "She doesn't even like to laugh at the weird result of Homer's invasions. Pearl's so biased against humanity, even after all these years."


End file.
